Episode 07: Together We’re Better

Welcome to my podcast, asking the question, if not now, when? This is Cindie Brown and thank you for joining me today. For more information, visit me at www.ifnotnowwhen.best.

"The richness of our lives is measured by the richness of our relationships." I have no idea who said that quote but I absolutely love it and I believe it to be so profoundly true.

There's a book called, Falling into Grace that talks about presence to presence.  There's a mystery within each of us that we discover when we're in each other's presence which makes that discovery process exciting.

Being in a room or an intimate dinner party with a group of like minded people connecting, not only is it energizing and fulfilling, it has great value for our physical and mental health and happiness. Connection is part of humanity, it's part of the human experience. And just as a side note, when I say like minded it doesn't necessarily mean people that think the same way we do, it's great to sometimes to have opposing ideas and thoughts.  It's people that resonate with us. 

So that positive healing energy of human connection is demonstrated in many ways.  One example I love and I had mentioned in a previous episode is patients in the hospital have much better outcomes when there's people waiting for them in the waiting room.  And I would bet if you talked to surgeons they would confirm that as well.  

We are social species wired to feel empathy, we're wired to feel other's pain.  We are connected beings. Yet, the number one reason people seek therapy today is loneliness

You know, I was listening to a Ted Talk by John Cacioppo.  I hope I am saying his name right. He's a leading expert in the world on loneliness.  So he talks about how we are social animals.  Our ancestors survival depended on it.  He explains back on the savannas in Africa we weren't the biggest or the strongest or the fastest of other animals they took down, but we were much better at banding together as groups and cooperating. He compares it to bees who have evolved to live in a hive, humans evolved to live in a tribe.  And if you are cut off from your tribe you were in terrible danger and would most likely die. Human connection is part of our DNA and we still have those impulses.  You know where I see tribalism at it's finest in today's society is at sporting events. Football games, soccer games, painted faces, screaming and yelling! However, we are the first humans ever in our 2 million year history of our species to try to disband our tribes and it's making us feel awful. 

Dr. Matthew Lieberman, Ph.D, a neuroscientist. He talks about our species when we're born and how we take so much longer to depend on others than other species. We need someone to care for us, to feed us, when we cry that somebody responds to us. And he says, "we don't realize the importance of our social lives and when we do, we too easily forget again.  He says, getting more social is the secret to making us a smarter, happier and more productive."  An example he uses is learning. When we learn something from our analytical brain where we simply memorize it for a test, we don't retain the information as well as if we were learning the information to teach somebody else and interact with somebody else.  He also talks about in business, we know great leaders make teams and their more productive but the questions is what makes for a great leader?  According to a recent study, a leader who has an analytically minded focus and focused on results, has a small chance of being seen as a great leader. But if that same leader also has strong social skills, the chance of being seen as a great leader skyrockets.  When we work as a team and connected, it's proven that all work amongst the team compliments each other, compliments strengths and weaknesses.  He says because we don't recognize the value of strong social skills, we're hiring and promoting many times the wrong people. Hiring and promoting the analytical, results oriented candidates without taking social skills into consideration. 

Experts claim that loneliness is our next big public health crisis. More than 40% of young adults report often feeling lonely.  Interestingly enough the 25 to 44 year olds are the most lonely groups of all. Which after raising two sons and watching them socialize I can understand that. I can remember they would sit out on the patio, none of them would talk and they would all be sitting together texting. I gott'a believe it has something to do with it. So low levels of social connection are associated with declines in physical and psychological health as well as a higher likelihood of antisocial behavior that leads to further isolation.  Isolation and loneliness is the number one cause of depression. 

According to Professor Adrian Franklin, Loneliness Academy.  There's even an academy of loneliness. Loneliness is just as risky as other risky behaviors such as smoking, not exercising, obesity or alcoholism.   He explains that loneliness is not necessarily not having a lot of people in your life but rather loneliness is when people lack high quality, meaningful and strong relationships. And also if they have lost a sense of belonging to something.  It could be family, it could be a workplace. He explains when his patients are seriously lonely they feel like they are locked out of their own lives. They've become invisible, no one saw them anymore and they start to withdraw and start to become depressed and then they become sick.  There are a series of things you can do the help with loneliness.  What I found very interesting is women take advantage of all of them. Men rarely take advantage of any of them. 

It's been my personal experience, watching my parents friends as couples and it seems that within the couple if the woman dies first the man dies shortly after that but it's not the case the other way around. It seemed to be more common that the women had a circle of friends to lean on where as men, not so much.

In a world that is so connected, the irony is we are lonelier than ever before.   Social media like skype and Facetime are all wonderful tools to stay connected but we didn't evolve to talk to each other through a screen.  That in person inter-connection is important for our wellbeing.  You know I listened to an interview with Johann Hari, I hope I said his name right as well, he's an author and journalist and he uses the analogy of porn.  You can masturbate looking at a computer screen but it is not the same as human touch.  We have evolved for human connection .

The definition of social connection is: The experience of feeling close and connected to others.  It involves feeling loved, cared for and valued and forms the basis of interpersonal relationships.

At Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, Dr. Emma Seppala writes: "Social connection improves physical health and mental and emotional well-being. We all think we know how to take good are of ourselves: eat our veggies, work out and try to get enough sleep. But how many of us know that social connection is just as crucial?"

She explained, "there is One landmark study that showed a lack of social connection is a greater detriment to health than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure. On the other hand, strong social connection leads to a 50% increased chance of longevity, strengthens your immune system and helps you recover from disease faster. People who feel more connected to others have lower levels of anxiety and depression. Moreover, studies show they also have higher self-esteem, greater empathy for others, are more trusting and cooperative and, as a consequence, others are more open to trusting and cooperating with them. In other words, social connectedness generates a positive feedback loop of social, emotional and physical well-being."

You know, I have found with your current circle of friends, there was something that brought us together, many times I believe it's what we talked about in the episode about the Law of Attraction, the concept of resonance.  That we are vibrating at the same frequency. You know it's interesting, we are intentional about diet and exercise and hopefully after listing to my episode on sleep you'll be intentional about the quality of your sleep as well.  However, it is not as common to be intentional about friendships.  Many times they just seem to just happen.  I think connecting with others, sharing ideas, supporting each other is really what makes life so special.

Sitting down and defining what type of friends and a plan to meet them is a good way to go about it.  It's about opening ourselves up to possibility and being intentional about our current friends and expanding our group of friends. Meeting people from different walks of life to expand how we see the world. It will contribute to our life experience, help us see and appreciate things in a different way and validate us and our thoughts.  There is a quote from C.S. Lewis that explains this so well, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

We all tend to lead busy lives and don't seem to have time for friendships and making new friends. But I think it's about being aware and intentional when opportunities arise.  It's kind of that thing called heightened awareness where it's rear that you see a white BMW on the road. But the moment you're ready to go buy one, there're everywhere.  So if there is a heightened awareness as you navigate through your day regarding friendships, I think that same concept holds true.

Sonda Rhimes, the writer, and executive producer of Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder, I think she owned Thursday night TV. Anyway, in assessing her life she wrote the book The Year of Yes. In her book she talks about how she would always say no to most every invitation or opportunity and made a commitment to say yes for one year. She attended events she was invited to and got involved and she ended up having a transformational year.  James Altucher an American author and podcaster conversely wrote a book on how to say no to take control of our lives by not over committing. You know I think it's about taking a step back and take a look at how we want to spend the rest of our lives, what's important to us and what's not that important.  I'm not sure but I  think it was Kanye West that said "money isn't everything until you don't have it".  It's been measured over and over again that once you have enough money to meet your needs the incremental income after that doesn't equate to incremental happiness.  The richness of our relationships does measure incrementally to our happiness.  Compassion, empathy, love and caring for others and being cared for is what increases happiness, health and a sense that we matter.  To live a life that matters is something we can be intentional about.  We don't chose to live a life that matters, we create a life that matters.  

Besides the concept of heightened awareness, one great way to meet people with common interested is Meet Up.  It's kind of like a dating app for friends.  Another way is getting involved with organizations focused on things you may be interested in. And of course the other way I mentioned is being intentional.  Prior, it was not an area of focus letting friendships happen instead of making them happen.

Like with everything, what you pay attention to grows.  This is no different with our relationships and our romantic relationships as well.  It's easy to become complacent and take your partner for granted.  Eric Thomas told the story about his wife and that he came home late from work one evening and she told him she wished she never married him because when they were dating she was the most important person in his life.  Now that there're married, everything else seemed to be more important. He explains that was a wake-up call.  One of the best examples and instruction on how to make your romantic relationship rich and fulfilling I found was told by Jon Butcher.  He and his wife make their relationship a priority.  I have a link to more information on how they've made their marriage so wonderful.     

Our friends, our family, our partner, all of our relationships matter and are an important component to our overall health and is my fifth pillar of good health. 

I'm not sure who used this analogy to give credit to. I think is was possibly it was Depok Chopra but this analogy has stuck with me which is; if you put gnats in a jar and put the lid on it, of course little holes so they can breath. If you leave them in there for a day and then you open the lid the gnats stay in the jar and swirl in circles.  It's my suggestion we should fly out of the jar and explore the amazing world around us. And part of the exploration is meeting people that you resonate with and can learn from, depend on, are uplifting and help you become the best version of yourself. And to enhance that experience even further, is our willingness to be vulnerable and truly listen. 

I'll leave you with a quote from Zig Ziglar, “If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.”

I am so grateful for you joining me today. Wishing you peace, health, joy, love and caring and wonderful relationships. Bye for now.

Dr. Emma Seppala, Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education:  http://ccare.stanford.edu/uncategorized/connectedness-health-the-science-of-social-connection-infographic/

The book: Falling Into Grace by Adyashanti https://www.adyashanti.org/store/publications/books/falling-into-grace-535

James Altucher: https://jamesaltucher.com/

Shonda Rhimes, The Year of Yes:  https://www.nbcnews.com/news/nbcblk/5-lessons-new-shonda-rhimes-book-year-yes-n464246

Dr. John Cacioppo Ted Talk: The lethality of loneliness: John Cacioppo at TEDxDesMoines

Dr. Matthew Lieberman, Ph.D: https://www.psych.ucla.edu/faculty/page/lieber

Professor Adrian Franklin, Loneliness Academy: https://people.unisa.edu.au/Adrian.Franklin

Johann Hari: https://johannhari.com/

Social Relationships and Health: https://science.sciencemag.org/content/241/4865/540

Eric Thomas: https://etinspires.com/home

Jon Butcher, How to Create Stunning Relationships: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=10154927581631939